I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
