So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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