after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
