I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
