If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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