The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
