i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
