god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
