lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
