I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
