Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize