I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
