I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
