Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I need to calm my uterus...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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