They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
someone owes me an orgasm
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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