Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
