I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
