New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
