I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
