Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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