I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
