fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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