Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
