I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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