he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
