Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
ok first of all what the fuck
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
