I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
