It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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