so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
