Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
