Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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