Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
