our cab driver is having phone sex.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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