i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
