checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
