the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize