Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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