I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
