I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize