Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
