i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
