I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize