Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
