my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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