Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
