I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i love accidental penises.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
