3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I heard we made out
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
