She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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