So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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