i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
