so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
