I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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