I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize