i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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