He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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