i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
