so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There's always time for handjobs
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
