apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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